A Reflection on Marriage

By Sr. M. Maximilia Um, FSGM

As a woman religious I am deeply concerned about the state of marriage. This may seem like a contradiction considering the obvious differences between these two states of life. However, I believe both states intrinsically possess a “mysterious something” that, in a sense, is the same.1 This means that whatever affects one state of life necessarily affects the other – not simply by external example, but from the “inside.”

The critical question then becomes what is this “mysterious something” that the two state of life “share?” We know that the universal Christian vocation is to holiness, which consists in the perfection of love.2 Pope John Paul II proposes that this call to love, in fact, constitutes the universal human vocation. Man is made for love. The Holy Father insists that man’s life remains incomprehensible until love is revealed to him.3 Consider then, what it means to love someone. Is it enough to give the beloved flowers, candy, or a fancy dinner? Love always seeks to give more. A person who loves seeks to give his very self away to the beloved, and the giving of tangible things expresses this bestowal.

We may then conclude that marriage and consecration constitute two incarnated forms of “giving oneself away.”4 In the case of a woman religious, she gives the totality of her being to God in the profession of the evangelical counsels. Hers is, in a sense, the perfect form of self-donation. In the vocation to married life, the gift of self to God occurs specifically through the mediation of a spouse who, in his or her physical make-up, is already ordered to receive the other. In no way does this form of giving to God diminish the gift to one’s husband or wife. Indeed, the reason why one can give oneself to God in the other is precisely because this person is an inexhaustible mystery.5

The dignity of the human person lies then, in the capacity for self-donation. This capacity is uniquely actualized in the profession of the evangelical counsels or marriage vows. This does not mean that an authentic gift of self can’t be made outside of these two states of life. However, it does mean that these states reveal something of the “full truth” of radical self-gift. In this light, it would seem that same-sex unions contradict the logic of love, insofar as no authentic gift of self can occur in such a relationship. Deep concern, kindness, sharing, and compassion may be a reality in a same-sex union. However, is this true love? If the content of love is self-gift, a homosexual couple can never adequately fulfill this requirement.

Contrary to our modern way of thinking, gender or sexual difference is not an extrinsic characteristic of the person. One is never a person in a self-contained way before the fact of also being either male or female.6 The human person always exists in his totality as a man or a woman. In the bodily reality of sexual difference, the person exists as one who is always already ordered to the other. The human vocation to give oneself is inscribed in our very physicality. In marriage, husband and wife are apt to bestow themselves upon each other at every moment. This reciprocity finds its singular and privileged expression in sexual union.

So in the end, this is the problem with same-sex unions. Because of sexual difference and what it signifies, when a homosexual person looks at his same-sex partner, what he beholds is an ontological mirror image,7 someone who, in his very being, is unable to receive his gift. Just as it is impossible for me to give myself to myself or to be my own best friend, built into his being exists the impossibility for a man to give himself to another man or woman to another woman in a way that defines a marriage union. Difference is necessary for gift.8

For this reason, the homosexual mentality actually short-circuits the dignity of the partners and contributes to a culture that no longer comprehends the meaning of self-donation, and hence, what it means to be human. Again, love is not only what feels right, good, and fulfilling. Rather, it possesses the objective form of self-gift, which implies a certain ordering of relationships.

Because of the one human vocation to love, the truth of marriage and consecrated life resonate within each other. These states of life build each other up not merely by example, but in their very essence. Therefore, affirmation of same-sex unions directly contradicts not only the gift of spouses in marriage, but also the self-donation of the consecrated person. Here, we truly touch upon a mystery: consecrated life reveals marriage to itself and marriage reveals to consecrated persons the nature of their own vocation.

1 Cf. David S. Crawford, “Christian Community and the States of Life.” Communio 29 (Summer 2002): 360.
2 Cf. Lumen Gentium, 40 (1964).
3 Cf. John Paul II, Redemptoris Hominis, 10 (1979).
4 Cf. David S. Crawford, 363.
5 Ibid., 358.
6 Cf. John Paul II, General Audience (5 March 1980), in Theology of the Body, 79.
7 Cf. Stanislaw Grygiel, John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family, Washington, DC, Master Class Week Lecture (29 January 2004).
8 Cf. John Paul II, Mulieris Dignitatem, 7 (1988).